Say Something I’m Giving Up On You

“Communication”

We all know how important communication is in a relationship. Hundreds of advice columns could tell you exactly that. Why do we fight? Why doesn’t he tell me when something’s wrong, so I end up blaming myself for everything? Why doesn’t he support the things I love? Communication.

Still, even for the wisest of relationship experts, I would argue that this is easier said than done. Now, I’m no relationship expert (I mean, I like to think I know everything, but I also can accept that as a 21 year old girl, I know NOTHING.) but I also know when the communication thing isn’t happening. You might think you’re communicating, but there’s a good chance you’re not. Especially if you’re young like me and have grown up spending more time on social media and texting than talking to people face-to-face. Is social media bad? Well… maybe…

When it comes to communication, the following things don’t count.

1. Anything said by text. Texting is for short messages that have little importance. That’s why you can’t break up by text. You don’t get to decide the tone or the meaning someone will take from your message.

2. Email. If you’re emailing love letters… wow, nice try but no cigar. Points for trying, but it doesn’t count.

3. Any conversation (whether in person, by phone call, email, etc.) where you don’t actually say what you mean. Ladies, I’m mostly looking at you on this one. We’re the ones who say things like “okay” when we mean NO, “yeah, I don’t care” when we DO, and “whatever” when we mean THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME AND I REALLY NEED YOU TO SEE MY SIDE OF THIS.

So why can’t we all just communicate properly and lead happy lives with positive, productive relationships? Because communication is hard. We are too distracted constantly by our phones and work and the internet. In fact, we are disturbingly used to it so we don’t even notice anymore.

Is this happening in your life? And if so, what should you do about it?

Hope isn’t lost. Fighting doesn’t mean you need to end it. But you are going to need to be more vocal about what you need, what you want, and what you expect from the other person. Here’s my challenge to you: unplug for a while and get started on making things better instead of just hoping they were. This was my secret plan, and it worked perfectly. See, I noticed that James and I haven’t been talking about some things that are going on, and ignoring them was stressing me out. I decided to start the conversation. Here’s how I did it:

I dimmed the lights, lit a few candles, and got James to lie down on my bed. I got out the massage oil and treated him to a back massage. And then after he was nice and relaxed, I started asking him questions to get him to open up. Why? Several reasons. First, there weren’t any distractions. Second, with the lights dimmed and him lying on his stomach, the situation was less intimidating and less of a “you’re doing things wrong” or “you never tell me anything”. It seemed like less of an attack, and more of an “I care about you and want you to be happy”. And in our relaxed, soothing state, it’s easier to open up.

I know I’m not an expert on this, but I would urge  anyone who isn’t happy with their relationship to try it. Things don’t need to be going badly or stressing you out. So maybe we should all take the advice of advice columns everywhere and really try to communicate for once. Your relationship will be better because of it.