Anxiety and the Less Realistic

I have an intense fear of free time.

Before you decide I’m completely crazy, hear me out. I’m very used to being on the go. Some people are just happier when they’re busy. I’m one of those types of people. I need things to do, tasks to take on, a list for the day so that I have a plan. I’m not sure why, exactly, but the thought of not being busy quite frankly scares the crap out of me. After working full time since June, the last 4 or 5 days before the Christmas break were riddled with anxiety and all of the effects anxiety has on my body. Yes, holidays are stressful, but this is a lot more than that. I was genuinely afraid of the several days where James would be working and I would be left here in this apartment alone.

I’ve come a long way with my anxiety. I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack in about a year and a half. Things that used to cause panic for weeks before the event occurred now hardly cross my mind. The anxiety is still there, but we seem to have reached an agreement that the anxiety won’t take over as long as I acknowledge it instead of pushing it away and pretending it isn’t there. And yet I’m still afraid to spend too much time alone in my head because my anxiety problems started when I moved into an apartment alone and felt extremely isolated and afraid all the time. Yes, things are different now. And yes, I know that my anxiety isn’t something to be afraid of. But anxiety isn’t always realistic, and you don’t get to decide what you’re going to be anxious about. I guess all I can do now is try to stay in the moment and not worry about the future, which is a struggle for anxious people. And when the mind isn’t busy, it’s easier to be mentally somewhere else…


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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

One response to “Anxiety and the Less Realistic”

  1. eddy says :

    I have Schizoid Personality Disorder which means that I actually prefer being alone to being with other people. In that way I’m opposite of you. But I do like to have something to do all day. I do make lists and plans and I feel lost if I don’t know what I’m going to do on a day.

    Just wanted to share that. And on a related note, I’m reading Walden and it’s amazing and meaningful to me because I’m into simple living and minimalism but it might be useful to you in terms of how to live alone. Check it out.

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