The Wave

There’s something I need to get off my chest. Most of the time life is good. I’m happy, I go out and enjoy activities, I spend time with people I like, I feel satisfaction from my job and physical activity. At the same time, I find myself looking for distractions all the time. I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I need to be doing something, playing a game, working on something, watching a TV show, all the time. My goal is to spend every moment I’m awake distracted from the underlying feelings that bother me. The feelings are worst in that moment when I decide it’s now time to go to sleep. As I go to press the shutdown button on my computer and the buzz of the battery silences, the wave comes. A wave of emptiness and intense loneliness, with feelings that no matter what I’m doing, it’s not enough. It doesn’t happen all the time, and I find it’s definitely linked to my cycle. Feelings that only get worse as I turn off the light, leaving only me and the darkness that fills me up and surrounds me. This is no ordinary PMS. It breaks me down until I feel like there’s nothing left of myself. And I will never tell James this, but I love the nights when he sleeps over because I get to avoid the shutdown moment and just settle into his body and coast off to sleep. With him around, the loneliness doesn’t come. But at the same time, why can’t I just feel whole on my own?


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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

3 responses to “The Wave”

  1. eddy says :

    Maybe you are struggling between the unconscious and the conscious mind. I just wrote an article about this. If you’d like to read,

  2. Positive Thought - Positive Word - For Life says :

    Hi Janine.

    As I was doing my walking exercise this morning I was listening to my audio CD “The Secret”. They were talking exactly of what you are talking in your blog story here.

    “Like attracts like”. The more we put a thought in our mind, either is a positive or negative, it is exactly what we attract to us. I am not saying this is exactly what is happening to you. But I really suggest that you should listen to the audio CD “The Secret” and maybe it will help you to uncover your fears, and everything that is happening inside you (mind).

    I understand clearly what you going thru. Also what has help me a lot in my transformation and understanding why things has happened to me, and understand others and my surrounding, has been my deep hard/work on Kabbalah studies. It has nothing to do with religion is just high consciousness understanding.

    Good luck to you.

    Love and Light.

  3. TheBitchWhoKnits says :

    I agree with the comments above.

    On a different note… For your cycle, something that has helped me and my sister greatly has been raspberry leaf tea. We drink it every day (I’m a poor bum right now waiting for the paycheck I can actually spend that’s not bills-hahaha) my cycle lasts a couple days, three at the worst, no cramping or pms and much lighter. Sorry if all TMI for anyone.
    I also love drinking tea, just sit and relax and not think about anything. Like I said, I do agree with the two above. I’ve had a few dark struggles with life and myself, and it’s really taken 4/5 years for me to allow myself some inner peace. If I analyze the past all that I’ve accomplished for myself is undone easily. But I have changed to positive thinking. No dwelling. And I just have faith in what will be will be.(cheeeesey) but it’s working for me. I can start a new job and not have anxiety attacks the entire time. Or wake up with anxiety attacks.
    I believe you’ll find inner peace, higher consciousness.
    Love and Light

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