What’s The Opposite of a Silver Lining?
I’ve recently experienced a rather depressing phenomenon. Even when good things happen to me, I often become sad and detached right after. Like when I got the job I wanted teaching pole dancing (which I love in ways I can’t even describe). The more good things happen to me, the more I commit to being here. Maybe forever. I signed a two-year contract, and even though I wanted this job more than anything, it means I won’t be going home for a long, long time. And even though I love being an adult, working, doing things I love, being with James here, part of me just wants to curl up in my bed back at home and just forget the world exists. The worst part is that no one understands. The ones I do try to talk to about this, like my parents, just shrug and say it was my choice to come here so if I’m unhappy it’s my own fault. Not surprisingly, being blamed for this doesn’t make me feel any better. I desperately want James to understand because he’s there for me when I get depressed. He doesn’t really get it though. He’s never been more than a couple hours’ drive from his parents. He sees them all the time. Even when he was away for school he always knew he could go home if he wanted to. I don’t have that option. I guess it took something big like a two-year work commitment to make me really see that this isn’t temporary. And most of the time I’m completely fine with that. Except for when my dark mood strikes and I realize that despite everything, I still feel isolated and I don’t know what to do about it.