What’s The Opposite of a Silver Lining?

I’ve recently experienced a rather depressing phenomenon. Even when good things happen to me, I often become sad and detached right after. Like when I got the job I wanted teaching pole dancing (which I love in ways I can’t even describe). The more good things happen to me, the more I commit to being here. Maybe forever. I signed a two-year contract, and even though I wanted this job more than anything, it means I won’t be going home for a long, long time. And even though I love being an adult, working, doing things I love, being with James here, part of me just wants to curl up in my bed back at home and just forget the world exists. The worst part is that no one understands. The ones I do try to talk to about this, like my parents, just shrug and say it was my choice to come here so if I’m unhappy it’s my own fault. Not surprisingly, being blamed for this doesn’t make me feel any better. I desperately want James to understand because he’s there for me when I get depressed. He doesn’t really get it though. He’s never been more than a couple hours’ drive from his parents. He sees them all the time. Even when he was away for school he always knew he could go home if he wanted to. I don’t have that option. I guess it took something big like a two-year work commitment to make me really see that this isn’t temporary. And most of the time I’m completely fine with that. Except for when my dark mood strikes and I realize that despite everything, I still feel isolated and I don’t know what to do about it.


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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

2 responses to “What’s The Opposite of a Silver Lining?”

  1. eddy says :

    Maybe it’s not so much about being away from home. Maybe the main problem is something else. You mention wanting to go back home and curl up in bed and forget the world exists. I wish something similar sometimes. I have almost an opposite situation as yours. I was working on ships all around the world and I liked being away from home. But 2 years ago I quit to chase my dream of becoming a writer and since then I’ve been living at home with my parents. I would like the opposite and would like to start earning enough through freelancing so I can start travelling and maybe go live on my own somewhere. But sometimes I do wish I could just stay in bed and maybe read a book or a comic. I wish that I didn’t had to play this game called being an adult. I wish I was a child again who could just be alone with his thoughts and didn’t have to get up and work on that client’s project.

    I guess the problem is about wanting to be kids again. Not wanting to be responsible for ourselves all the time. Maybe it has something to do with wanting to be taken care of. I’m no psychologist and I’m just rambling here. Your post was so personal I didn’t know whether I should comment or not. But I guess sharing personal stories is a good way of using the blogging platform. Hope my comment makes you see things in a different light, if not provide a inspirational solution.

    • janinerussell says :

      I’m glad you didn’t withhold commenting just because my post was very personal! You make me wonder, maybe we are just programmed to always want what we don’t have and are therefore never satisfied with how they are? I think there will always be a piece of us that wants something different simply because it’s different. Thank you for giving me that alternate point of view, and I hope you’re successful as a writer! Bravo for chasing your dream despite the problems associated with it.

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