Feeling the Pressure
I wish I could say that I’m a fighter. You know, the kind of person who reacts to problems by rolling up their sleeves and finding a solution. The kind of person you want looking out for you because you know they will never give in to the pressures of the world. The kind of person you’d be proud to call your friend because they show strength even in the hardest times, resilience even when everything is going wrong, and are still somehow in one piece even when their world is falling apart.
Unfortunately, I’m the exact opposite. When the pressure starts to build, or even when I suspect the pressure will at some point build, I run. I run fast, I run far, and I don’t question it until I’m far enough away to wonder if maybe that wasn’t the best way to deal with things. When my parents tried to control my future, I moved to a different province. When things aren’t perfect in my relationships, I tend to just let them go and move on. When things aren’t working out the way I expected, I give up and look for a better use of my energy. Why would I keep trying if it only leads to failure?
One day something is going to happen that I can’t run away from. It’s going to be a rough day when my maturity isn’t enough, and I go back to being a scared child who can’t get away fast enough to avoid what’s going to come. And as I let it take over me, I wonder if I’m going to turn weak and give in, or summon the courage to fight back.