One Last Week
Some of you might not know this, but for the past three months I’ve been on a military contract that has taken me all around Canada. Well, there’s a week left, so I just thought I’d check back in and let you know how it’s been for me.
First off, at the beginning of the summer I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do this contract at all. I was having such strong anxiety relating to my work that I really didn’t know if I could get through the day to day activities which are often very physically and mentally demanding. Well, I’m still here. I had one panic attack back in early July, but other than that I’ve stayed calm and been able to do my job. I know that probably doesn’t sound like a big deal to some of you, but you need to know that last September I was so anxious that I would avoid going to work sometimes because I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I would stress out for weeks before an important parade, and was literally worrying myself sick.
Things are tough out here. I’m currently in Quebec, where most people speak French. Despite speaking quite a bit of French myself, I find it odd to be in a new culture. I’m homesick. I’m tired. We have a lot of 15 hour days ahead over the next week, including some long and important parades which would have turned my life into a worry death spiral a few months ago. I’m committed to doing them, though, and I’m not giving myself a way out. I’m trying my best to take good care of myself because I know that without sleep and other necessities, my anxiety is increased tenfold.
As well, I’m just generally sick of being here. I’m tired of being around the 35 people who are on tour with me. I don’t want to spend time with them, but I also don’t want to pull away. It’s too soon to start backing away. I’m even starting to get snappy with my boyfriend James, and I feel really guilty about it a lot of the time. I don’t want to be mad at him, but sometimes I’m just so upset for no apparent reason that I can’t keep my feelings to myself. He is so good to me and I know he will be there to help me through my anxiety as the days drag on. I’m really lucky to have him.
I know this is much more of a “dear diary” type of post, and for that I’m sorry. I just couldn’t keep these things to myself any longer. I just want to go home. This is the real me, my real life, and the very real struggles I’m facing. A few months ago I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle this contract. Well, I’m still here, and will be here until the very end. I can’t always control my anxiety, but I’m still fighting it and not about to give up now.
Keep your head up,