Just When I Thought I Had Forgotten
[Trigger alert– self harm]
All it took was one song to make all the memories come flooding back.
“I thought you’d like the song… I’m sorry,” James said as he held my sobbing body.
We had been in the car, driving around listening to music. It has been a while since I’ve had an anxiety attack, even longer since I thought about her. Still, the emotions hit me suddenly like I had just been run over by a truck. They trampled me and left me broken.
The madness came
With its whiskered wolven ether pangs
He locked the door
And shut the blinds”
I think about all the times I held her as she broke down. Gripping her tightly as she ran away from me, begging her to stay with me instead of going off alone. I don’t trust her to be with herself. I’m afraid of what will happen to her when her thoughts take control of her body. I think about all the times I wrapped my bare fingers tightly around her wrist, the blood seeping through the gaps.
“He laid down on the floor
And he slept like iron
While the dirty knife
Worked deep into his spine”
I think about how many times she tried to kill herself, and how many times I was able to persuade her not to. She is alive today because of me, because I never gave up and was willing to give up everything to keep her alive. She doesn’t know how what we have been through has broken me. She doesn’t know I’m still haunted by the memories. We don’t talk. I’ve moved away, running from it all because I couldn’t bear to remember.
And yet there I was, hyperventilating as the memories flood back. I can’t stop crying. I can feel snot dripping down my face but am too weak to wipe it away.
And all James can do is hold me as he tries so desperately to stop my inner wounds from bleeding.
Just as I had held her all those times…