I Don’t Even Know What I’m Afraid Of
The odd thing about anxiety is that I feel anxious at times when it doesn’t make any sense to be anxious. My mantra “there is no threat, it’s okay to relax” doesn’t really apply when I know there is no threat in my current situation, but still my heart is pounding and my head is foggy. Today at work (I’m in the military) they told us to grab our headdress and form up on the drill deck. In civilian talk, put on your hat and go stand in that room the way we tell you to stand, surrounded by the people you work with. And for some reason, this action filled my body with an extremely illogical wave of fear.
There is no threat to standing in a room. I can stand still fine in normal circumstances, obviously, but for some reason when people are telling me to stand still it becomes a great anxiety-provoking task. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m now conscious of the fact that my head is foggy and I’m listening to my heartbeat. Maybe it’s the way I’m consumed by my thoughts and worries. I’m not in the room anymore, I’m in my head. I’m conscious of the fact that I’m looking around for something to distract me from my own thoughts. I realize that the anxiety is in my head. And what is in my head is purely a figment of my own imagination.
And then I realize…
…I’m afraid of myself.