It Takes A Lot Of Strength To Admit When You Aren’t Feeling Strong
Last night I had a panic attack.
This is the first panic attack I’ve had since about February, and considering how much anxiety I’ve been dealing with over the past few months, this is impressive. Still, there comes a point when everything just starts to snowball, and in my case this is what happens. I think the hardest thing for me going forward is disconnecting the panic attack from the situation I was in. Part of me is looking for things to blame for it happening, but logically I know this won’t help at all. Yes, I was stressed out and exhausted, and things have been piling up for several weeks. But at the same time, I need to truly believe that I can beat my anxiety in the long run. I can’t let one setback stop me from pushing forward. I’ve made huge advances with my anxiety, and I’m doing the things that scare me despite the anxiety I feel sometimes. It just happens that last night I couldn’t push past the anxiety, and it escalated.
Last night I learned something. When I started to panic, I went to my boyfriend, James, and told him what was going on. He did everything he could to calm me down, but as this was during a performance and we had to go back out into the public eye in a few minutes, he told me that if I really can’t do it I need to tell my supervisor. My supervisor is an awesome guy, and I’ve looked up to him since I first joined the military. And yet, it was hard for me to admit that I was having a panic attack and couldn’t do the performance. He was great about it and very understanding. It taught me, though, that admitting to someone that you are feeling weak takes a lot of strength. A type of strength I didn’t realize I needed to fight this battle with anxiety.
I’m going to try my absolute best to not let this minor setback stop me. I don’t know if things will be any better today, or tomorrow, or every day for the rest of my life. I just don’t know. I’m optimistic, though, and I know that one failure isn’t enough to keep me out of the game. I can do this, and I’ve done it many times before. I’ll be able to do it again. I just have to relax and believe in myself, and remember that today is the only thing that matters. Not yesterday, not a few months ago when it happened last time. Today. Right now, even. Nothing exists besides this moment, so don’t let your past ruin your future.