Who Needs Toes Anyway?

I set a new personal record by getting injured on the first day of my military contract. Unfortunately I’m a clumsy fool, and stubbed my toe on the door stop that is bolted to my bedroom floor. Don’t underestimate it, this was no ordinary toe stubbing. No, this was the best kind. The kind where you wonder if you’ve broken your toe for good as you scrub the blood off the floorboards. And being the anxious person that I am, my mind convinced me that I would be sent home from the contract and replaced with someone who isn’t as foolish. And where would I go? I finally realized that right now, besides this contract, I’m homeless.

If they sent me home due to medical reasons, they would give me work for the rest of the contract at my home unit. The only problem with that would be that I don’t have a home in that city right now. My belongings are being stored at James’s house, but I wouldn’t be able to live there without him. It would be too weird being around his roommates. The other alternative would be to forego work and go home to Winnipeg where my family lives. I’ll always have a home there, my parents have told me.

You know, sometimes a night of tossing and turning can be a good thing. Last night I realized that no matter what happened, I would somehow be okay. Even if the worst that could happen actually did happen, I’d get through it. Even if everything fell apart, there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. Panicking is not the end, and I don’t feel weak for having my moments of weakness. Today I felt surprisingly calm, despite all my worries and lack of sleep last night. In case you were wondering, 3 or 4 hours is not enough sleep to get by during the day. And of course this made me anxious as well, which could only have added to how sick I felt. And despite it all, I made it through the day. In fact, I was impressed with how well I could focus on what I had to do, even though there were so many times I could have just decided I felt too crappy to keep going.

Last night made me realize something else as well. A lot of my anxiety stems from how I feel. If I have a headache, or my stomach is being acidic and queasy, I’m way more likely to freak out. Instead of taking medications to try to dull the feelings I have, I’m working on just letting them be. Sure, sometimes I feel like my brain is in a deep fog that I can’t get out of. And as the contract goes on, I’ll have more days like this, but have to work harder, do concerts or parades, or just generally have to suffer through it. Now I know that even when so much is going wrong, I will still be able to get through what I need to do. And that’s a really comforting feeling.

Now I just need my toe to heal so I can wear my parade boots comfortably again. But, hey, it’ll happen in time. And I know I didn’t break the toe, so I can stop freaking out about it. Nope, I’m going to be stuck here on this contract, no matter what. And just knowing I won’t back away when things get tough makes them look just a little bit easier.

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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

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