Broken Promises

It’s a depressing day here at Typewriter. I don’t know why, but these last few days have been really tough. Maybe it’s because I’ve been working all day every day, and the long days are just starting to wear on me. This is my spring break week, and I was hoping for a bit of relaxation. Instead I’ve been getting up early every day and playing music until my mouth bleeds. And on top of it all, I have a cold and am feeling really homesick. I have no idea when I will get to actually go home. I might not have the chance this summer if I’m working as much as I expect to be.

But enough about my woes. I want to tell you guys about a situation that happened within the last couple of days, and possibly get some feedback.

On Monday night, I went to James’s parents’ house for dinner. That was when I realized that today was a holiday, and here in Ontario it is called “Family Day”. Possibly the lamest holiday ever, but it definitely contributed to my feeling homesick. I wasn’t sure if I should feel happy that I am welcome in their family for this holiday, or sad because I don’t have family of my own here.

When we were leaving, I invited James to spend the night. Since I was feeling sad, I just wanted him to cuddle me and be there for me. Not to sound too needy or anything. Of course I didn’t actually say that I was feeling like this, so he didn’t know. He said he really just wanted to go home tonight, but would spend the next night with me. No, the next two nights.

It sounded like a great deal, but then I remembered every other time he’s said things like that.

“You never go through with it when you promise me things like that.”

But he assured me that this time he meant it, and would be there the next two nights to cuddle me and make me feel better.

Last night he did come over after work. My stomach was upset for some reason, so he held me until I fell asleep. It was a beautiful evening, holding each other and talking about everything, including our possible futures together.  We then drove to work together this morning. We made plans for this evening, to make burritos for dinner, and spend the night together just like he said.

Well, when we were driving home from work today, he said to me that he had gone for burritos for lunch, so he wasn’t interested in making dinner with me. And he also would rather spend tomorrow night with me because neither of us has to work on Friday morning. This was a completely valid point. We both love sleeping in, and it would just make more sense to do this tomorrow night instead.

And yet, all I could think was that he broke his promise. A promise I had told him he would break, and he had assured me he wouldn’t. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. And it isn’t a big deal really, just a simple change of plans to something better. But for some reason right now it feels like a big deal and I don’t know what to do about it.

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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

7 responses to “Broken Promises”

  1. cristina betancourt says :

    Sometimes when we are feeling vulnerable, homesick, you name it, the little things just mean so much. The fact that he “promised” he would be there on a certain night and he wasn’t just seems like a big deal, because in our mind it’s very simple, “we don’t ask for much but if I am asking you for this it is because I really want it or need it”.

    However, in his mind, it may not be such a big deal. In the big picture, there are many other times he can go over and sometimes the inconvenience of a trip, or of going over that night might make him change his mind. At that moment, him changing his mind is not seen in his head as breaking a promise, because guys see things in a larger scope. To him a promise of loyalty and trust is much more important than, say, changing your mind about spending the night.

    I think it comes down to communication. As women we have to learn to say it exactly how it is. “I am really feeling homesick and I really need you to be with me on this and this night. You know I don’t usually ask for much but this I need tonight.” If we don’t communicate it at that moment, but later reproach it, we come off as needy, nagging, overemotional beings.

    Then he will realize the important of that “promise” said at that moment, and he can attribute the same importance you are placing on it. Without this, then you are both looking at it from two different emotional levels, and it can lead to an unnecessary fight.

  2. an0nym0usbl0gger says :

    I feel your loneliness. I had actually logged on to try and write a blog entry about it. The last few days have been hard for me after losing my grandmother to cancer a few months back and now it appears my stepfather may have it too. Its times like this when I just want someone to be close and and spend as much time with me as they can. Unfortunately my wife keeps making plans and obligations that, on there own should be wrong because she has a big heart. Like watching her nephew, or babysitting for a friend, etc. I can’t be mad at her for that but at the same time I just want her for myself. Hope you get to feeling better and know that right now you are not alone.

  3. dianacv2013 says :

    I want to respond to this, but not sure how to. I may not be the best person to give my opinion, as I’ve just come out of a 25 year relationship…I have a few years on you ;). The first commenter hit it on the nose, you are feeling vulnerable and everything right now feels magnified 100x. You absolutely need to give men the whole story about how you are feeling, otherwise they have no idea and like she said, don’t think it’s such a big deal. My concern is the big picture of this relationship. How long have you been together? You said this is not the first time he’s done this, it seems to bother you more than you think. If you’ve made solid plans, he should not go back on them. He needs to follow through with them, saving you disappointment and later, resentment. In a long term relationship, breakdown of communication is the main problem that results in the breakdown of the relationship. You need to have a talk with him about this situation and how it made you feel…he gets to explain himself as well, as you listen and not criticize or interrupt. But more importantly you need to discuss the communication in regards to all aspects of your relationship and both need to understand that when one of you has needs, it is important for the other to listen and you can come to a mutually satisfying agreement. It’s ok if you want to let this go this time, but the next time something comes up and you are feeling like this, you need to let him know. I feel a couple should be able to comfortably discuss anything openly without hesitation or fear of upsetting the other. Remember…talk, talk, talk! All the best!

  4. Al Kline says :

    “Courting . . . is such sweet sorrow”. You noticed I changed the word “Parting” to “Courting”. LOL Yes, I remember when I was that young. Listen, don’t let the little things hang you up, you both communicated your plans, that all that counts.

  5. hannophenn says :

    I think there is nothing more sad than to realize that your Partner can’t keep promises. What I read out of your blog it was pretty lame the excuse about the Burritos and if he had cared and listened to you carefully he would have known there was no way to alter his promise on this location. So my advise is to hear very carefully into yourself and find out what you really think about James and than you should confront him with his not holding his word. Sorry but than you have to make up your mind what you just you want to do with your relationship.

  6. dave howard says :

    Hi JR,

    Does this pattern of not keeping promises show up in other areas of his life. Some people consistently break their word on little things, others big things.

    Each one of us must decide what is acceptable to us or not. I’ve never had a perfect relationship. The pendulum of domestic bliss does seem to swing. But when it’s sweet it’s very sweet, indeed.

    Also, view every moment as a chance to look at myself, my feelings, my reactions. Evaluate your part in things. When it’s going great and not so great.

    And most of all, have fun and enjoy life.

    Don’t get frustrated, get fascinated!

    Keep blogging,
    Dave

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