4.4 Love And Privacy

Yesterday I came home from class to find a red rose draped across my laptop, as well as a small box of fancy chocolates from a store in the area where he grew up that makes their chocolates out of premium, fair trade ingredients by hand. That was a long explanation to just say “chocolate.”, but that’s because I studied their business thoroughly last semester with my marketing group. I know that business from the inside out. And now I feel weird about going there to feed my love of chocolate. So yes, chocolate.

The rose is beautiful. It came in a long, clear box, and was decorated by ferns and leaves, and a silver ribbon coiled around it. It is so cheesy, but such a sweet gesture. For those of you who read my other post about valentine’s, you know that I a) have a thing for roses and b) have never had a man buy me flowers before. No wonder I was so happy to discover it.

But I couldn’t help but think… I wonder if James read that post…

And it turns out he did. But that was after he decided he would get me a red rose. He knows i like them. I have one tattooed on my body, for goodness sake.

But then I asked him, in the middle of a crowded Vietnamese restaurant, “how much else did you read?”

His first words were, “Well don’t be embarrassed but…”

Turns out he read all of his chapter so far. As well as a bit about Mark, including the post where I talk about how I had shameless sex with him after our breakup and used him for my pleasure. Err… well James technically did know about it but… still I felt kind of weird about him  hearing it as if he’s reading a novel. Except it’s about his girlfriend, having sex with someone else. I know how many girls James has slept with, but that doesn’t mean I want to read about them, you know?

But he also told me he likes my writing. I was pretty flattered. I feel like I have moments of good writing, but a lot of the time I just ramble on about things that aren’t related to what I was talking about. Like I’m doing right now. Back to the point.

I feel like my anonymity is slowly draining, person by person who knows me and finds what I’m writing. I don’t blame him. If he was writing all of his thoughts down, you can bet I would be scouring them for information I could use or that says something about me. I told him he should make a blog so we balance this out. He told me that he does have a WordPress account. He created it back in December when he was looking for my blog, but doesn’t use it. I told him if he feels like it, he should try. I would be his first follower for sure.

So far, James’s chapter has been much harder to write than any of the others. I think it’s because I can’t seem to put our relationship into words the way it is now. There is just so much that I feel like people can’t possibly understand, even though I’m sure we aren’t the only couple like that either. I told him I’m going to keep writing about him, and from now on I’m not going to hold back. This blog is no different now that he is reading it. I’m still just doing my thing. I just hope he can respect that when I start to delve into the more private things about our relationship.


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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

3 responses to “4.4 Love And Privacy”

  1. whenstrangerskiss says :

    A guy I’ve gone out with twice knows about this blog and it freaks me out!! Glad to know I’m not the only one who does this!! 🙂

  2. travels with mary says :

    ooh, I can’t imagine having partners read what you’ve written about previous partners! you’re brave!! my husband knows about my blog, but I’d been with him for a while before I started the blog– I can’t imagine having to break the “so, I have a blog” news to a new partner!

    • travels with mary says :

      also, I think it says a lot about his character that he can read your blog without being anxious or jealous or whatnot. a lot of less mature people might feel threatened by your writing, but I think the best partners are confident and self-assured. good on him!

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