4.3 Being Single Didn’t Last Very Long
When I was out on the Canadian east coast in the summer of 2011, we were doing the Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo. It is a really extravagant show featuring military bands, full choir, and dancers and performers from all around the world. I was obviously there as part of a military band, because that’s what I do. Most of the acts are military, and from other countries the majority of people in these bands are male. Our band was about 50/50. Why is this relevant, you ask? Well, allow me to explain.
June 28th, 2011 was the cast party for everyone who was performing in the tattoo, since our first show was going to be on July 1st after the Canada Day parade. There were over a thousand performers, but some were underage or really old and just didn’t come to the cast party. They rented out a club for us, so the whole place was filled with people from the tattoo. And as I said, there were many more muscle-headed military guys than there were females. It was a really odd situation to be in, especially as a woman. And drinks were really cheap. A beer cost $2.50. And everyone was buying drinks for each other so, hey, at that price why not?
But let’s back up a bit. That night we finished work, and all went back to the university campus where we were staying. At this time I had gone through my little rebounding phase a few days earlier, and was excited to just go out and dance and have a good time. I made waves in my hair, put on a lot of makeup, and wore a purple top with skinny jeans and high-tops. I felt really sexy. We were pre-gaming, and I remember dropping my foundation into my rum and coke. And what did I do then? Scraped it out and drank what could be saved of my drink. Don’t judge. I paid good money for that rum.
I should also add that before this particular summer I hardly drank at all. One, maybe two, and I was content. After getting ready, I poured another drink and went out into the hallway to see if the rest of the people were ready. I was hanging out with my friend in the hallway (he also wanted in my pants, but he is obnoxious and an alcoholic so at least I had brains enough not to get with that), and then from the room next to mine, out came James. I remember locking eyes with him across the hall, and he just looked me up and down. It was an incredible boost of confidence. I didn’t know much about James at the time, just that he is 5 years older than me, two ranks higher than me, and single. And also that he used to sleep with a girl I work with, which is enough to make me not want anything to do with him. Still though, I was thinking about the meals we had together when we were on course, and how we shared a disgusting and cruel sense of humor.
We went to the bar, and immediate got on the dance floor. I was feeling sexy and free, and being in a club that was mostly guys definitely boosted my confidence. Near the beginning of the night I went up to James and asked if he was going to dance with me. He said he was far too sober to dance. Fair enough. I’ve seen him dance, and it isn’t pretty.
Later in the evening, at this point I was more drunk than I have ever been (probably because I was just enjoying feeling liberated), and was dancing with another guy we work with. Actually, honourable mention has to be added in that my one friend who is a lesbian was acting as a guard for me this whole night. She is the best cock block in the world. Any time a gross guy came up to me and tried to dance with me she would drag me over to her and we would shun the guy. It was awesome. Everyone needs a friend who will do that for them, no matter what their sexuality or gender. So anyways, I was dancing with this really hot guy, and he says to me, “damn, you’re sexy, girl”, and I’m thinking damn right I am. And then, I looked over his shoulder, and saw James. He was on the edge of the dance floor with a couple of his buddies, but his eyes were locked on me.
So I ditched hot guy, and took this to mean he wanted to come out and dance with me. I dragged him out onto the dance floor. He is a terrible dancer. It was getting late by now, (after 3 in the morning), so we decided to head back. There was a group of us walking back up the hill towards our residence. We passed by a pizza place that was still open, and most people stopped for food. James said he was going to just head back, so I went with him, along with a couple of other people.
He was slurring. I’ve never heard anyone slur so much in my life. He could hardly talk. I was hammered too, and ended up clinging to him arm partly because I wanted to and partly because I needed the support. When we got back to the residence, the other people went towards the hallways their rooms are in, and James and I went back to where ours was since our rooms were right next to each other.
“Well… good night…,” he said.
I was kind of disappointed. I didn’t know what exactly I wanted, but I know I didn’t want him to go. And not in a rebound kind of way, I just felt very comfortable with him and wanted to spend time alone with him. I knew I was far too drunk, though, so I went into my room and laid down on my bed. The room was spinning. I thought to myself, it would be really cool if James came back and made some sort of move on me. But it’s late and we’re both drunk, so it’s probably for the best. I closed my eyes and started to doze off.
And then I heard it. Two brief knocks. I assumed I was just imagining it, and closed my eyes again. But it happened again, this time three knocks. I got up and looked out the peep hole. It was James. I answered the door, and he said to me, “ummm…do you have my….smokes?”
“No, you know I don’t smoke.”
He stood there awkwardly, “Oh. I just…thought you might have them…”
I smirked at him. What a classy pickup line. Well, if that’s what it was supposed to be. He turned to go, but I could tell he wanted to say something else. I decided to throw him a bone.
“Can I have a hug?”
“Umm okay,” he said, and came closer to me. He held me for a few seconds tightly, and then we both turned our faces to each other at the same time and started kissing. He pushed me backwards into my room, and we made out up against the wall for a long time. A couple of times his back would hit the light switch and he would say “ah god damn” as he flicked it back off. I remember thinking how wrong this is… He used to sleep with my friend…
Eventually we ended up on my bed, but he knocked the pillow off and we were too disoriented to find it. “Do you want to… go somewhere with more pillows?”
Hahaha. Oh… this is bad. I told him no, and then the realization of what was happening kicked in. I told him he should probably leave.
He didn’t want to push it, so he left.
I had no idea what he wanted from me. I went from rebounding to happy and single to making out with the older guy I work with all in about 4 days. This isn’t me, nor is it the person I wanted to be seen as.
I just hoped that things wouldn’t be weird for us in the morning. Assuming he remembered it at all. I had no idea what his intentions were, or if this was a one time lapse in judgment. For now all I could do was wait until we got to talk again to figure out what’s going on between us.
About janinerussellThe transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.
Hey all! Janine here.
This blog is to help me understand what is going on in my life, because I find that until I share my experiences it is hard to make sense of them and what they mean to the bigger picture. When there's nowhere else to turn, your typewriter is there to listen without judgment, and just let you bleed.
Welcome to the inside of my head.