4.2 Rebound Phase
[This is more like a diary entry. Apologies, but I do want to accurately document how James and I got together for my own clarity and understanding.]
After being dumped by Mark, I was in a pretty bad place. I was heartbroken, I didn’t care about anything, and I didn’t know what I wanted. I was also getting migraines, and had never had migraines before. After going to the hospital on base one day when my eyesight was blurry and I couldn’t see where I was walking, I realized something was wrong. I was terrified, and of course I started thinking that I was going to die like this. When they told me it was migraines, though, I stopped taking the birth control pills I was on (I was paranoid and it seemed like a good idea), and they went away.
Once my head healed, though, I started to rebound, hoping that what I actually need would just appear. That’s how I met another guy who will remain nameless. He was on course with me, but was in the army from my hometown. He was funny, a total geek, and we meshed well together. I had a huge crush on him, but he never gave in to me. He really liked me, and yet, for some reason, wouldn’t make a move. I even tried to make a move on him and he shut me down, as pathetic as that sounds. He was always giving me mixed messages though, because he would give me hugs whenever I needed one. He was a really good hugger. I’m a terrible hugger, but I think he taught me to hug better. I’m the kind of person who steps on your feet by accident and then gets embarrassed.
This was also the time period that I met James. I hardly knew him, though, because he was always hidden away, practicing. The only times I saw him were at meals if we happen to be sitting near each other, or sometimes in the evenings when we would sit around and drink. One day we went to karaoke on a Thursday night because that’s the night that it happens on base, and he tried to get me to sing a karaoke song. I told him no repeatedly. Eventually he just asked what I WOULD sing if I had to sing something. I probably said Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal. James and I never got very close on course, but I liked him. Still, my heart was somewhere else, and I was intimidated by him. He was a few years older than me. And I also found out that he used to date a girl I work with back home, which I’m certain was only for the sex. So there were definitely judgments there. I was surprised when I found out he was single.
In any case, that course ended a month later, and I was flown home for one day before going out to the east coast for the two and a half month contract I had signed on for. A couple of people from my course were going to be there, as well as a lot of my coworkers from back home. I remember getting there, and seeing that James was in the room next to mine, and being happy about it. But still my heart wanted that nerdy guy from Winnipeg. And it stayed that way for a couple of weeks.
And then, I got interest from another guy who I was working with at the time. He was attractive, but we didn’t have much in common. We made out a couple of times, but it was always awkward afterwards. I realized that I was just throwing myself at whoever would take me, and that wasn’t right. I stopped seeing him, and decided to go back to just being single. I realized I don’t need to be with anyone right now. And I certainly don’t want to be that girl who gets with all the guys she works with.
After that really awkward experience, I was able to see more clearly what was going on here, and taking a step back from it was exactly what I needed to stop rebounding.
That is, until the cast party happened…
(to be continued)