To My Sister.
A couple of days ago you told me you’ve been reading my blog. At first I panicked. I’ve been hiding a lot, not just from you, but from everyone. And on here, I’m openly myself, telling nothing but the pure and honest truth. The prospect of confronting all my anxieties and opening up to someone so close to me is hard for me. You know I’ve always been emotional, but I don’t think you knew how deep my emotions go. I’ve been through things, things I’m not proud of, and things I just want to forget. I can’t forget them, though, and I think that’s what has led me here. Writing has been my salvation when things were at their worst. And now that my anxiety is impacting my life, I was so desperate for an outlet that I guess I just let my feelings flow. And once they started, there was nothing I could do to stop them. I worry about what you’ll think of me when you know the truth.
What I went through with Sarah was the toughest thing I’ve gone through. When she was cutting, it killed me to be with her, always talking her down. I was even there the night she tried to end it all. And yet, I couldn’t just leave her alone, in the hands of someone who actually could help her. I was worried something might happen to her, and if I wasn’t there to stop it I would blame myself. I know you understand, because I know you used to cut, too. I knew you were depressed, but we never talked about it. Maybe I was too young to understand, because I didn’t know what was going on when it was happening. I guess my coping method was to pretend there was no problem, just like everyone else seemed to be doing. Now, though, I feel like I lived in a haze for years at a time, trying to block out what was going on around me, ignoring what I knew to be true. I can’t even contemplate now how you could have been just across the hall in so much pain, and I never was able to do anything. I wish we had been able to talk about it, but we were never that close, and I’m really sorry for that. Don’t blame yourself, a lot of it was me as well. I think one of the reasons I had such a hard time with letting Sarah go was that I feel guilty about never being there for you. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel like I should have been a better sister to you when you needed someone. I’m so thankful you got the help you needed, though, because I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.
From now on, if you ever need me, I’ll be there for you. And I hope you’ll do the same for me.