3.5 When Long Distance Isn’t Enough Anymore

Mark and I had been together for several months before we started talking about how this was all going to work out in the end. We both hated the distance, but weren’t exactly sure how we could make things last between us. I was in university, so moving wasn’t an option for me. He wasn’t in school, but needed a job. He brought up the possibility of him moving to the city I lived in the following September. I was ecstatic. If he moved we could finally be together like a real couple, which I’ve never truthfully experienced with a guy. There were a lot of unknowns, but we were hopeful that things would work out.

One of the main problems was that in order to have the money needed to move, Mark needed 4 months of military employment over the summer. It was all set up to work that way, but there was a problem at the last minute and he didn’t get the course he wanted. He continued to hope for the next 3 months to work out properly.

Having that first month off allowed us to be together that one weekend in May, which was the first time I had seen him since February. And it had been perfect, though too short.

The topic of him moving wasn’t breached again until two weeks later. It was a Saturday night, and I remember it vividly. He was texting me, but I could tell something was wrong.

“Janine…I’ve decided I want to go back to school.”

I stared at those words, and let the meaning behind them sink in. He meant he wanted to go back to school in the city he lives in. He wasn’t going to be moving.

I felt like someone had thrown a spear through my chest.

I told him, “I can’t wait for you forever.”

He answered me, “I know. I didn’t want it to happen like this. I’m really sorry.”

And it didn’t matter how long we had been together, how much we cared, or how badly we wanted things to work out between us. We weren’t ready to take the steps that were needed to keep us together. So we just let it fall apart.

I have never felt so heartbroken as I did that day. I cried for hours. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I went and hid in the basement of our shacks where I ironed my uniform for our concert the next day. On my way there, my two good friends saw my face and instantly knew. The next day I was a complete zombie. I didn’t talk to anyone. I don’t remember playing the concert. I don’t remember the rest of that week. My world was shattered.

Mark and I had been together for probably around 7 months. We had only spent maybe 9 days together as a couple before it all ended. Oddly, it felt as if we had been together for the full 7 months.

Maybe I was delusional. Maybe it was all in my head.

All I know is that our relationship ended just as quickly as it had begun. With a text that said way more than 140 characters would allow.

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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

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