3.3 The Truth About Losing My Virginity

[Warning, this post contains adult content]

Mark and I dated for about 6 months long-distance before we got to see each other again. During that time we had talked a lot about everything, even the things that are harder to talk about. We talked about sex, and even had skype conversations during which we…may have gotten naked for each other. But we were both mature about it so, despite being only 18 (he was slightly younger than me, though more experienced). We talked about what might happen between us when we were together for real. He knew I was a virgin, and I knew he wasn’t. And that was okay with me.

Over my spring break, I decided to go and see him.  We were in love, and I couldn’t wait to see him again. I knew that physical things might happen between us, and I had a lot to think about. I decided that if the chance came up, I wanted to have sex with him. It was a personal choice, and it was a tough decision to make. I come from a religious family, but don’t always share the values that are taught to me.

I planned to stay with Mark for a week. Unfortunately, he lived at home. His mom was very accepting of me, and didn’t have a problem with me sleeping there. She would have preferred if I slept on the couch, but Mark said that didn’t make sense and insisted I stay in his room. Eventually she gave in and let it happen.

On the first night there, Mark and I were cuddling. It was somewhat awkward because we have never been physical with each other before. That awkwardness went away somewhat after a while. But then we started kissing, and things started to get kind of heated. And then when we were both really turned on, he asked me if this was what I wanted to do. The decision was completely up to me.

And I thought about it…

And I told him “yes”.

It wasn’t as bad as I expected. It hurt, and was kind of awkward since I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t good, so if anyone is reading this and expecting their first time to be perfect, it won’t be. It wasn’t romantic either. We were more like two lanky deer wrestling than lovers. In fact after it stopped hurting I started to get bored because it wasn’t good for me at all.

When he was satisfied, he rolled off of me. He held me for a while. And right before he went to sleep, he whispered in my ear, “I love you”, as he had told me many times before.

And I can’t explain why, but my very first thought was, “no you don’t…”

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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

4 responses to “3.3 The Truth About Losing My Virginity”

  1. lexborgia says :

    He was probably more afraid than you were, I remember shaking like a leaf and explaining it away to her as nervousness because it was her first time. The first time is only ever great, perfect even, for the braggers.
    I like the way you write; looking forward to delving in deeper when I have more time. Cheers.

  2. Amba Nair says :

    That last line just stole the entire show. You are so brutally honest. I can’t help but love your style of writing. reading your blog is like reading a book I can’t put down. You have a lovely way with words.

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