Maybe I Never Should Have Left…
Since I’m home for Christmas, I was invited to the annual Christmas dinner at the military unit I used to work at. I thought it would be fun to show up and socialize for a bit with the people I used to work with for my first 3 years. That unit is like a second family to me, and I just haven’t felt that same sense of family at the unit I belong to now. I wasn’t expecting what I got when I showed up though.
I showed up at around 8:30. I didn’t take into account that everyone had been drinking heavily since about 4:30 because of the dinner. The people I was excited to see were either too drunk to stand up without wobbling on their feet, or sober but tired and miserable. The sober people usually left fairly early, and I was left with just the drunk people.
I tend to feel awkward around groups, I’ll admit. But something about being sober around drunk people is kind of unnerving. I felt like they were all enjoying this party and I wasn’t really even there. I tried to talk to people I used to be friends with, but found we had very little to talk about. Others were drunkenly exclaiming how much they’ve missed me and it all seemed very fake.
The band there (that I used to belong to) had just had a CD release party the night before. Apparently they blew the roof off the place and got a standing ovation. I couldn’t help feel like in comparison the unit I belong to now is more like a grade 10 band. I miss playing tough music, and being excited to go to work. I miss loving my job, and leaving work grinning and chatting about how amazing the rehearsal went. When I leave work now I feel like I dodged a bullet by not having my anxiety get in the way of my ability to do my job.
It is hard to feel like an outsider among people you used to love being around. Some people didn’t even notice I hadn’t been there since last April. Others just didn’t even seem to want to talk. My close friends were trying to drag me out on the dance floor, and it was weird being completely sober dancing with these people, especially since they were way too drunk for that early in the evening.
I just got home, and I feel very conflicted. Part of me wants to go back there and be part of that unit again. I used to love working there, playing great music, and I made some really great friends. The other part of me knows I did something good for myself by leaving, and just need to accept the fact that I made a decision to leave and it is too late to change that now.
I just hope I don’t continue to regret this move when I go back to my new home.
About janinerussellThe transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.
Hey all! Janine here.
This blog is to help me understand what is going on in my life, because I find that until I share my experiences it is hard to make sense of them and what they mean to the bigger picture. When there's nowhere else to turn, your typewriter is there to listen without judgment, and just let you bleed.
Welcome to the inside of my head.