The Dream

Last year I was on a plane flying home, and I had a very strange dream while I slept. It was unusually clear and vivid, and I remembered it all when I woke up, and wrote it down. Now, I had taken gravol because flying scared me and it knocks me out, so that may have impacted the clarity of the dream.

Anyways, I’m not going to get into the entire dream right now, because nobody likes hearing about your dreams. But basically, I was in an abandoned mall, and there was a young girl who told me to follow her. She led me through a scary room where the floor was falling apart, and there was a long drop below. She turned to me and asked, “Why did you come this way?” And then I slipped, tried to grab onto the handrail, but it ripped off the wall like construction paper, and I fell.

I fell, and just before I hit the ground from an impact that surely would have killed me, I was suddenly back at the top falling again. And then right before I hit the ground a second time, I was back at the top, and this time I got my feet under me and knew I would land it and survive. And then I woke up.

To be honest, that little girl’s words have been haunting me ever since. I felt like she was asking me, what are you running away from? What made you come here? Is this really what you want, and where you should be? She asked me the questions that I was afraid to ask myself.

Last September I moved out, as I said before, and drove about 3000 kilometers away, to a new province. I changed universities halfway through my degree, left all of my friends behind, and transferred my job to a new military unit here. But, again, I can’t help but ask myself now, “Why did you come this way?”

I told people that I left because I wanted a change. I couldn’t stay in the house with my parents any longer. That house was too stressful for me, and there was a lot of yelling all the time. I couldn’t justify spending money for rent when there was a house nearby that would cost me nothing. I liked the school I was at, but I hated taking an hour and a half to get there and the same time home every single day.

I loved my workplace. That is one thing I will freely admit. I loved it there. I had a lot of friends, it was like a second family, and my boss was awesome. I am the kind of person who wants to be promoted and move into a leadership position. He was going to make that happen for me.

Now, I know this is getting very specific about my life, and I’m trying to stay away from that on this blog. Still though, I thought some people might find this interesting.

The real reason I moved here, was for love. I fell in love with James (based on his pen name. I was surprised he had one too, but he writes music and uses it for that) last summer, and even though we broke up at the end of the summer, neither of us got over the other. Now I know this was stupid. It was a stupid risk. What if he had changed his mind by the time I got here? Well, he hasn’t. He loves me. And that means a lot.

I will write the chapter about James when I get to that part of my life. Don’t worry, readers, you’ll get to find out what has happened after Sarah.

So anyways I know it was risky. And things may not work out with me and James forever. But at least if we do break up I’ll be able to say that I honestly gave this the best shot I possibly could. So in the end, I won’t regret coming here, because then I would have to spend my whole life wondering what could have come of that relationship.

If you think you have something worth holding on to, go after it, especially when it comes to love. There is never any guarantee that it will work out in the end. A lot of relationships don’t. But don’t live your life wondering what could have been.

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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

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