1.5 Being There for Sarah

Being with Sarah was always hard. She was always so reckless, and she scared me. I can’t even count how many times she was on a roof, or up in a tree, or that I caught her cutting, and was scared that this time would be the last time I ever see her.

She ended up in the hospital the first time I wasn’t really there for her. That was when I realized the extent of her cutting, though she had told me that she cuts many months earlier when we weren’t really close. I didn’t take it very seriously because several people I know have done that at some point, including my older sister.

We had been in the library, me, her, and my other friend. She was clearly upset about something, but I was so busy that I just tuned her out in a sense, and focused on my work. She left the library, and I didn’t think much of it. About twenty minutes later, a teacher came to get me, saying Sarah wanted to talk to me and was really upset. I was confused, but went with her anyway. Sarah was crying, and I wasn’t really sure if I should hug her or just sit there and try to talk to her. Later her mom came to get her, and the teacher said she would take it from here, and I should go back to class. It was then that I checked my phone, and saw Sarah’s message. “Can you come with me? I think I’m suicidal…”

Those words will be ingrained in my head forever. I felt like I had let her down in some way just because I wasn’t there when she needed someone to talk to. I swore then that I wouldn’t let her face this alone, and I kept my word.

I was with her whenever she needed me, and maybe I watched her too closely. I was always so afraid that something would happen to her. She could talk to me though, and it often felt like I was the only one. I kept her secrets, and to this day have never told anyone about the night she tried to end it all (short story on this blog called That Night).

In the end, I couldn’t handle being there for her all the time. It drained me emotionally, and at times I even felt like I was getting depressed. It was a very stressful time for me, and there are certain things that I’m not sure I will ever forget.

If anyone out there is suffering from depression, cuts, is suicidal, or just needs someone to talk to, tell somebody. Keeping stuff inside only makes it worse, and isolates you from the world. I needed to tell people about everything I went through with Sarah just to get past it, and I feel so much better now. Healing takes time, but the healing can’t begin until you reach out to someone.

And if you want someone to talk to, leave me a comment and we can work something out. Don’t let what you go through define who you are, because it gets easier, I promise.

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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

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