1.3 Breaking Up With Sarah

Sarah was the one person I swore I would never hurt. I was with her while she battled depression, held her deepest cuts to stop the bleeding, and cradled her in my arms as I told her I loved her. I promised her she could trust me. She believed me, and I believed me too.

On our six month anniversary we went to our high school grad together as each other’s date, not caring what people thought. Nothing could tear us apart. She looked beautiful in her black dress with her hair draped over her left shoulder, and a purple corsage that matched my dress. We spent a wonderful evening dancing together. I have never been happier in my life than that night with Sarah.

Three days later, I left for military training. I would be gone for two months, and didn’t want to leave her, because I knew how hard it would be for both of us. When I came home we would be starting university at different schools, but we swore we would make it work. Nothing could break up our love, because for every insecurity that I felt, Sarah had a way to reassure me that we were meant to be together and that life has a way of making things work out in the end. I promised her I would send her letters and call her as often as I could.

Sometime over that summer, though, things changed. Sarah didn’t need me to help her through her depression anymore. I lived in a new world where I had high expectations of myself, challenged myself, and held everyone else to the same standard. I came home a new person. I was a better, stronger person. I was a wiser, hardened soldier. I was a person Sarah couldn’t love.

I wasn’t the same person. I didn’t feel the same things. I still loved Sarah, but it broke my heart every time I saw her break down. I knew that every problem we faced was because of me, and it tore me up inside. I couldn’t be with her without feeling guilty for how I treated her, and saw how unhealthy our relationship had become. I had power over her, and in exchange she manipulated me, but it was all so subtle that neither of us realized it. I knew breaking up was the only way out, even though I swore I would never do that to her.

I truly did love Sarah. I still do, even though we don’t talk anymore. The last thing I heard about Sarah was that she is in therapy, and I can’t believe I could have done this to her. After everything we have been through, all the battles we have fought, and all the challenges we have overcome together, I caused her more pain than I ever thought I could. And every day it breaks my heart, even though I know we are better off this way. She taught me so much about myself, and I helped her through her challenges. I will never regret any of it though, because what I have been through with Sarah has made me the person I am today, and I refuse to live my life wishing I could change the way things have ended up. I just hope she doesn’t regret being with me either, and knows that I still love her, no matter what, and always will.

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About janinerussell

The transition to adulthood; reflecting on the past to create a better future.

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